Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
