i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
