If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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