I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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