Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
