i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
