I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
