Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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