if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
