Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
