i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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