I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
