I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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