I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
