when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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