remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize