Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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