Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i now understand why vodka
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
