maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She told me I should be a condom model.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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