Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
