sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
