Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
