i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
