Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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