Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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