I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
