Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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