Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what day is it and did you see me today?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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