Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
