I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
