I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
