Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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