I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
