I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
