I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
