Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
