We named our party play list daddy issues
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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