Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
