Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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