I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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