ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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