We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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