He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
