I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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