Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize