And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
