how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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