i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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