all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
