Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
