there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
