she looked like the before picture.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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