obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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