...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
