I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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