go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
