i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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