remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
