I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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