When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
