party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
